Category: Relationships

Reflecting at Christmas

This is by far the busiest times of the year and it’s not because of all the shopping. Actually, according to Shopify, November is the busiest commercial month of the year. I think it’s all the end of year rush, last-minute work targets and personal goals we want to achieve all between now and the 31st 23:59 which gets us all worked up. And on top of all that we want to enjoy the festivities and rest. We will soon discover that we cannot rest if we don’t eliminate the stressors in our way. At this time though I would say that one of the most important and beneficial things you can do for yourself is to spend time in reflection. When I’m reflecting or journaling it is in these moments when I’m most aware of what God has been teaching me through the day or the year. We need to intentionally create moments where we have epiphanies based on what is happening. Significant changes do not happen with the turn of a calendar it happens when we allow our minds to receive and engage with what is happening in our environments. We are praying for God to change our stories in the new year or decade, but we must ask ourselves what God has been engraving on the tables of our hearts over the last year or even decade that we haven’t paid attention to.

Beyond the feelings and the goosebumps, we might get when we encounter God, there are notable changes that take place in less spectacular ways inside of us. Being a lot more reflective, has help me understand that I ought to look for the mundane. Looking for God in the silence and seemingly insignificant is how Elijah got his life back as he stood on the mountain of God at the brink of depression.

I’m thinking about my life and things I want to focus on improving and things that I should keep and be more consistent with. Reflectively, I can say that I have grown over the last year. One of the key areas I have experienced growth and change in is how I think about giving and receiving love. It’s important to regularly reflect on how we relate with people and things.

Earlier in the year I had a conversation with someone that helped bring the thought process to mind and I can say that on reflecting on my understanding of extending love and hearing what the other person had to say, I found myself thinking that maybe I didn’t quite have a full understanding of what love – the God kind of Love – is. Maybe my limited understanding of how vast God’s love is keeping me from receiving all the wonderful gifts of God’s awesome love. I’ve begun thinking of love in a different way which has led to changes in how I practice love. Nothing drastic or dramatic, but significant enough for me to desire and chase after more of God’s kind of love in my heart. It is the kind of love that chases you and woos you regardless of how you are or what you’ve done. That love, loves you just because and nothing you could do could make it grow or diminish. Can I be that way towards myself and the people in my life? Can I be more loving regardless of what if?

At this point, I can say that any work that you catch me doing is related to reflecting and checking that the plans I make for the coming year are in line with the work that He has already begun in me. After all, what good is a perfect gift if I don’t take out the time to enjoy and use it?

Christmas blessings!

Four Hundred and Ninety Gifts for Father’s Day

Many people in many parts of the world are celebrating their fathers or a father figure in their life today. I love how we have set aside days to adhere to the scriptural principle set out in Ephesians 6 to honour our fathers and mothers on designated days. Aware of it or not, it is God’s desire that we do this and having a special date to commemorate this purpose allows us to check ourselves to see whether we have been living in accordance to what God has told us.

I know many people who have lovely things to say about their (biological) fathers. They recollect what their fathers did or said to them as they were growing up. They often speak of the investment their fathers have made. However, I know of many more who do not share in this experience. I belong to the latter group.

For many years Father’s day was an emotional event, reminding me that I didn’t have many great memories with my father. It made me feel like I was missing out and more than anything I realised that my father had fallen short of his role and in doing so, failed my siblings and I. I also became more aware of the immense burden my mother carried, because she chose to stay, and carries the responsibility of two people and plays the role of a father as well as that of a mother. This realisation hurt. The pain of loosing your father to the hands of premature death is indescribable, but very different from knowing that he chooses to be absent.

You have someone to blame, someone to hold to ransom. You can’t mourn because he isn’t dead and you most learn to honour his memory even though he hasn’t earned it and you are forced to accept his decision in spite of what you want and need.

How do we reconcile? How do we get to a place where we have peace, and I mean real peace, not the numb feeling that takes hold of parts of your soul? Thankfully, the answer is found in Matthew 18: 21- 22.

How often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?
No, Not Seven times, Jesus replied, but Seventy times seven!

For a long time I thought that when Jesus told us to forgive a person who offends us four hundred and ninety times, it meant that an offender could only count on my forgiveness for wrong doings on 490 occasions. Firstly, the temptation and implication of that interpretation is that we keep count of the wrong doings of others. It also means that we keep record of what people have done. There is no way of keeping accurate count without remembering what people have done. Walking through life so far and experiencing situations where I have had to forgive, I have come to understand that the forgiveness you extend for one specific action is not a one time gift. More than often you have to keep forgiving a person over and over again for that same offence. I find that long after the wounds have healed and the scars have faded you still need to forgive. It’s a battle waged on your mind to take out your heart. If I keep forgiving over and over again for every single thing that has been done to me, even after removing myself from situations that may be causing me harm I take significant steps towards wholeness and inner release.

Today, I can say that I don’t feel hurt or pain or numbness, I don’t cry in self pity about what could have been or should have been. No, not anymore. Instead, I focus on honouring my Father with the gift that never gets old. A gift that we can both share. I have a priceless gift even for the next 490 Father’s Day. How much more so, when I know that my heavenly father forgives me countless times more than that.

Unequally Yoked

The answer to the question of what it means to be unequally yoked is clearly addressed in the scripture.

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”, 2 Corinthians 6:14 (ESV).
The intimation is that you will be unevenly matched if you are married with a person who does not believe in God. So, as a Christian the scripture is clearly letting us know that we should not be married or emotional and romantically involved with a non-christian. The more intimate a relationship gets the more important a commonality in faith and believe is. If you already disagree on the basic foundation issues, your lifestyle choices as a believer and your relationship with the individual will be affected.

A lot of people believe that you can make it work, having different believes and still get married. But the issue is that the relationship with your god will suffer if you priorities your spouse. For instance, as a Christian I believe in tithing and giving offerings or love gifts to church. I believe in spending time in devotion, praying and worshipping God. I believe in being filled with the Holy Ghost and speaking in tongues. This will sound very crazy to someone who is not a believer. He/she might say it’s cute and might be okay with it. He/she might be the nicest guy in the world, but eventually the natural trials of life will test the strength of the relationship. The different approaches to solving the problems we are both facing will inevitably cause tension and friction in our relationship. A weak belief system will not be able to handle this wear and tear leading to a relationship break down.

With a little bit of thought and honesty you can see why God commands not to be unequally yoked. However, the question that I have heard a few times now is whether you can be unequally yoked, spiritually miss matched, with someone who is a Christian. I think that it is possible. Coming back to my earlier example of being in a relationship with someone of a different belief, there are lifestyle choices that are attached and connected to your spiritual commitment to God, that will influence the life choices you make. Now imagine you are both Christians, but one of us has a different understanding. Theological differences existed in the bible, too. Just read the book of Acts and you’ll see members of the early church and even some of the apostles disagreeing over scriptures. It’s important to make sure you believe in the same things and understand the bible in the same way.

So, yes, unequal yoked to an unbeliever can include being in the same religion but still having differences in beliefs. A Christian can still have his or her idols, such as alcohol, sex, past relationships and other hidden sins or past habits that are difficult to shake. Yes, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God, but when we make a habit of sinning we are forsaking relationship with him. Our relationship with God is the foundation for our relationship with our spouse, because it is intended to be a reflection of what we have with God.

My sweet Valentine, how Far is too Far?

Love is in the air! It’s thick and almost tangible. All the love songs on the radio tell us to get it on tonight. The retailers encourage us to seize the day and incentivise us with great sales. With the whole world telling us to translate every feeling we feel into action and gratify our pleasure glands with every desire, where do we draw the boundary lines? 

There is that dreaded question that is always asked at every singles seminar or conference, especially when the topic of sex and abstinence comes up. I’m always praying nobody asks, because it gets awkward very quickly amidst all the pre-adolescent euphemisms and the desire of the singles who want explicit and clear boundaries laid when they ask, “how far is too far?”. There is always one person who asks this question. Actually, I wish I could say that this is the single most awkward inquiry made at this sort of events (sadly, it isn’t).

This is the question a single person asks only because they think that they might have taken it too far with someone either physically or emotionally and want to clear their conscience of the guilt that is weighing on them. Of course, I think that it”s important to know where the boundaries are; every Christian single should know the boundaries. We should all live with the consciousness of  always wanting to honour God.
Yet, the question, I think, is far more suggestive than that. It implies a desire to know how much you can get away with without falling into sin. You are living on the edge and will only end up falling of the cliff. God will surely catch us when we fall, but He would rather not have us tempt Him in this way (Luke 4:12).

The problem with this line of inquiry is that rather than submitting our desires under the authority of God and managing these desires and appetites, we want the word of God – our standard for living and the authority – to conform to our earthly/ physical desires. If we can find a scripture that supports how far we want to go then we’ll hold unto that scripture and use it to support our actions. In doing so we run the risk of taking the scriptures out of its intended context. What’s even worse is that we often take the absence of an issue in the bible to mean that it’s okay to do something, when it really isn’t the case. 

A good example of this is the issue of kissing; is an unmarried couple allowed to kiss? Is kissing permissible in a dating relationship? There are those who say ‘yes’ and there are those who emphatically say ‘no’. This is one of those issues where the bible is silent on, but I have heard people misuse Paul’s words by saying, that we should greet each other with a holy kiss, so it is okay for two dating people to kiss [Romans 16:16; 1 Corinthians 16:20; 2 Corinthians 13:12; 1 Thessalonians 5:26].  This is obviously a misuse of that verse, as the context had nothing to do with dating or romantic or erotic love. In fact, Paul was encouraging them to uphold their purity, dignity and honour of each other as they love each other in a non-romantic way.  

When it comes to honouring God and seeking first His will for our lives, the question should never be how far is too far. Instead, it should be how much more can I honour God with my actions and behaviour? How much more can I give up? How much more can I honour and respect this person I am in a relationship with? In what more ways can we promote holiness and preserve the sanctity of our physical bodies (the temple of God)?  
This is what God’s word says to this:

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 
2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.                                                                            (Romans 12:1-2)

God wants us to live sacrificially, which means that we will make daily sacrifices concerning our wants and desires, always presenting ourselves as honourable vessels before him. But in verse two, God let’s us know that there is no way we can be holy and acceptable before Him with our bodies, if we do not renew our minds. Our thinking will inform what we do and there is no way on earth, as long as we are alive, that we will ever do anything without our bodies being involved. If I am already thinking how far is too far, it means that I am playing with the ideas of wanting more rather than allowing my mind to be introduced to the ideas of true sacrifice. 

When our minds are renewed by the word of God, that is Christ, our old mind is being exchanged for the mind of Christ (Philippians 2:5). The mind of Christ thinks sacrificially how it can give more, rather than thinking how much it can get or what it can get away with. Sacrificial living and thinking means having a mindset that is willing to give up anything at the instance of it being required.

We can celebrate LOVE today because God gave us everything. He went far beyond the limits of what the princes of this world thought he could, just to prove His undying love for us. If there is anything we can learn from the life of Christ then it is this; nothing proves the presence of love more than sacrifice. 

Tiny Gifts with Big Impacts

As Christians we know what the meaning of Christmas is. We might need to be reminded of what the reason behind our gift giving and celebration is, but we generally know what it means to celebrate Christ’s birth. Whether the 25th December was actually His birthday or not doesn’t matter in the broader scheme of things. What matters is that the promise of God to humanity was finally fulfilled with the birth of Jesus. All things in perspective, I think that the more complex problem we face on a yearly basis is what we should give as gifts for Christmas. I know that I am busy trying to come up with some nice gift ideas and it’s proving to be a little difficult. 

I’m working with a tight budget this year, but will like to give my friends and family gifts that have a personal touch and that will be useful. Giving gifts for me are always an opportunity for me to appreciate the people in  my life. I always want my gifts to communicate meaningful things to the recipients. In thinking about what I can give, I thought about the small things that we sometimes do that go a long way, which reminded me of how active early Christians were when it came to giving. Giving in the early church was a regular and well exercised practice, today we look for excuses not to give, especially to the local church. Paul celebrated the Macedonian Church for their willingness and gladness to give even though they were poor and needy (2 Corinthians 8:1-6). As I began to think about this I realized that not having is not a suitable excuse not to give. These people were poor but still gave and even begged to give. I also note the immense generosity in which they gave. They could not have given gold, silver and precious stone, but their given was still impactful, because they generously shared what they had. Generousity is not measured by how much you have to give, but by your willingness to give what you have. 

I’m also reminded of the little boy with 5 loaves of bread and two fish. He gave little and it became enough to feed five thousand men, alongside an additional number of children and women plus enough to spare. It doesn’t say, but if the little boy were to be compensated for what he gave, he would have gone home with at least 2 basket full of the 12 basket they collected. What are 5 pieces of bread and 2 fish compared to 12 baskets of food. Sometimes we get so hung up on how little we have that we miss out on the great impact what we have will have on others. What we think is too small, can go a long way in blessing others. 

Just sharing time with a person can do so much. This is one of the reasons the Bible admonishes that we do not forsake assembling and fellowship with one another as believers. Spending time with people goes a long way in communicating love and value to them. 

Thinking about all of this and reading 2 Corinthians 8 again has encouraged me to be more intentional about my giving, not just over this Christmas, but how I give in general. 

In my Feelings…

So, I manage two blogs and got talking to someone about it a while back. I said that one was a Christian blog, and the other did not necessarily have a religious angle or was centered on christian beliefs. I can’t remember exactly the words he used, maybe it was ‘naughty’, but before i could explain he said something  that implied that I had another blog that was a little more loose, a little less holy and a little less christian. I obviously quickly shut down the notion, but at the back of my mind I’ve been playing with the ideas and the underlining concerns that I felt throughout the conversation.

When It comes to faith I’m all in and so are most of the Christians I know. I think that most people won’t sacrifice faith on the alter of secularism, but we may toy with secular ideas and themes, especially when it comes to creative art. As the conversation grew someone else remarked that they would definitely still write and release non christian songs and content. The reason they gave was because they felt that emotions are part of life and and are meant to be expressed. The implication obviously being that christian music is too restrictive for the expression of certain emotions. Interesting!

My believe that we worship God and love him with all our hearts, souls, minds and strengths. In other words, all we are consumed and aware of His presence in our lives that He is all we feel. God can and will overwhelm our emotions if we allow Him. But aside from this I honestly think that we are free to express all our emotions to Him in worship and praise. Like a parent wants their child to come to them with their emotions in the same way God wants us to come to Him with or deepest feelings.

I guess some people will struggle with this idea, as there are some feelings we would much rather our parents did not know. But God already knows what we feel and desire. Even the secret feelings. When we bring them into the light we gain perspective and learn to bring our emotions under the authority of God.

Elijah went to God with feelings of sadness, weariness, weakness, suicidal thoughts and depression and he heard from God, gained perspective and became re-energized (1 Kings 19). The woman with the Alabaster box (Mary Magdalene) came with guilt, sin and shame before God and poured it all out in worship before God and she was forgiven (Luke 7: 37-39)

Good things happen when we bring our honest and sincere feelings to the alter of worship. He might scold us and chastise us, but we can feel His love and acceptance. He will never leave us without His blessing. He won’t let us go naked.

King David wrote songs reflecting his distress, and His feelings of God forsaking him, but his psalm ended in praise. Solomon wrote songs and poems of love, marriage and intimacy.

We are immersed all the way, death, resurrection and ascension, in Christ Jesus and totally grafted in Him. We need to remember this when we create. God will inspire us with the right words when we let Him all the way into our feelings.